Archive for February, 2014

The joke’s on me!

Posted: February 14, 2014 in Travels


What the F just happened? I feel like Sweet Dee looks in the attached photo, from my favourite show: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. She went on to do unshowered (love her) standup comedy in this episode and coined the phrase: ‘The joke’s on Dee’. And it is so appropriately on demand in seat 1A, which is a miracle I’m even sitting in. 😳

I am almost at a loss for words (shocker!) how to articulate my last 48 hours. My left leg, which is well-known, worldwide, as being hollow. Well it’s now gone dead. But I have a rockstar to blame for that. And Tom, we all know JG Tom… thinks I had a stroke. 🚷 I paraded, for random analysis, up and down the restaurant, whilst the late night crew gauged the seriousness of why my left leg keeps just folding. This was after the first 3 of 13 inches of snow fell last night, when I walked the deaf and speechless v kind neighbour into his apartment safely. Earlier in the afternoon, I had a bit of a bet with the rockstar to uphold. Later on, I fell up some stairs after the most unbelievably odd (yeah even for me!) evening, fell out the taxi home (sober !!!), walked my deaf friend home, got cash while a new perky afghani friend waited, and then fell twice in the sludge. Sadly my falls were not even sludge related as I had the Hunter boots on. At least JG had a laugh! It’s so weird though it’s actually funny… I cannot feel my left hollow leg. There’s no issue though, no pain. Just numbness. The cute afghani tried to randomly massage life back into it, but after I catwalked to Paul Simon’s ‘slip out the back Jack’ and my v own Bobby D’s: ‘you’re gonna make me lonesome’, at JG, our conclusion was: you’ve had a stroke. 😯

I thought that maybe once I slept a bit and some of those pinched nerves relaxed that today it would be better. See… I am currently en route to San Fran just for the day. For Kelly I’d go to the moon and back 😆 yes every 4 months. Anyway, the afghani and stroke analysation kept me out far later than anticipated and I slept through my alarm. 😣

I awoke in an absolute frenzy at 7:39am, after 13 inches of overnight NYC snow, without car service on call… for an 8:55am flight to SF. Yeah the fucking ‘joke was on me’ alright! I brushed my teeth, threw on clean jeans and panties… and just hauled ass downstairs. I thankfully had an amazing taxi driver. I’ve got no clue how I made this flight as ‘they’ say JFK is at least 30 minutes from the upper east side in zero traffic. Good luck during rush hour valentine day, which is bullshit (valentine not rush hour traffic!), Friday after 13 inches snow and in prep for another 6 tonight… I f’ing made it. Granted, my left leg ‘gave out’ as I stepped out of taxi into airport and yeah another (the 6th or 7th time now) knee plant into the snowy sludge. So just take a sec for the visual: Liz after three hours sleep, dead left leg, pony tail, all my shit thrown into purse (except my vitamins I took the time to get the 7 pills out! still laying on my kitchen counter), trying to get myself sorted as it got closer and closer to my 8:55am flight. The Van Wyck was surprisingly quick, nothing but a jacket and stupid briefcase in tow, falling out the taxi (literally) onto the ground 😝 then being immediately shuffled away in my sweet frantic charming panic, to the front of all TSA and boarding lines… and onto my flight. In time for a pre flight champagne. What the hell. Silver lining: I wore no mascara last night so I’ve got no dark circles or make up running down my pretty little soon-to-be-freshly-botoxed face. Botox day is even better than my birthday and it comes 4 times a year. With someone like Kelly… it’s just indescribable. But for me it’s ALL about my Kelly, NOT the botox! She’s just genius.

I’m not in the lulu but venture to guess Kelly will take one look at me today and just shake her head. We’ll all have a big laugh at dinner tonight (before my red eye home) and then next weekend as everyone will be present in NYC. That is, if my left leg ever decides to work again. I half-folded after my TSA security check-in. I’m learning to control it I think! Or at least how to land softly. BART ought to be interesting! I miss Nilmar.

Things are a bit surreal and likely will be until my big 4-0 passes. Then what will we all do? 😢

And I love my favourite client: “so exactly how many ex-boyfriends will be there?” Haha… v funny. (though it does still remain a mystery!)


Just slip out the back, Jack

Posted: February 4, 2014 in When in NYC


Make a new plan, Stan. Don’t need to be coy, Roy. My good friend at JG Melon has ruined me by playing that song on the old juke box. I’m now a Paul Simon fan apparently. Nothing compares to my Bob Dylan… but this song pretty much brightens up my mood every time I hear it!

‘Hop on the bus, Gus. You don’t need to discuss much… you just drop off the key Lee, and get yourself free…’

Except for me, it’s more like: ‘One Way to Leave 50 Lovers’. Ha! 😄 just a slight exaggeration. Hilarity for effect. (not affect… I’m getting it down Janice!)

I’ve not traveled since new year but had an abrupt entry into my 2014. Scrambling… constantly. Things, like the snow, are randomly popping up on me and as heroic as I was last year (mental with travel) everything last minute….. I’ve got a few goals of my own to uphold for this go-round. That’s what I love about new year, it’s like you get to choose a fun new focus every January! Or get completely blind-sided and suck it up till it’s over. 😳 I got my newsletter out IN January, despite it’s tattered grammatics, PMS and typos. As is usually the case, I pushed the envelope a bit but got ‘er done.

Now I’m entering into a kind of bizarre mental state. As I begin to nail down the finer details of the birthday, I realise this upcoming event is all mine. Like the classic ‘Never Never Land’ Liz. Scary! It will definitely be a bit bizarre to have everyone, all at once, on my little upper east side block! Old friends and new, people from around the corner… or the globe. There are even a few contenders all secretly vying for top billing as ‘surprise guest’. It’s weird. I hope it snows!!! 😍 Honestly though, it’s going to go by so quickly. Hope all these goofy details make the difference, it’s going to be so fun! My childhood girlfriend (who’s never been to NYC) told her husband I’ve never met, “If she wants us all to march up 4 blocks, in the snow, carrying a life-size balloon martini… that’s just what you do. It’s Liz.” What a reputation I’ve collected! 😊

Then I guess I’ll just be 40? Brava! Although something tells me, call it my Pisces intuition… I don’t think it’ll make any difference! The random that somehow concentrates itself into a living matter, well… it follows me around like my very own little Pig Pen cloud. You know: Pig Pen from the Snoopy comics! 😆 My horoscope tells me: “you have reached the end of a cycle of which you will retain happy memories and the strength to start afresh.”

As my work load from far distances increases, so do my working hours. Last night, after a full-on day taking care of people in the Northeast, San Fran, UK, Abu Dhabi and New Zealand… I realised I did one hour cardio (at the gym due to massive snowfall!) and had not eaten a thing! Oops. Down to JG I go only to find an Indian surgeon ( just waiting for fresh bait to over-analyse. Jeez, the guy had more questions for me: dating, turning 40, where my head is, what attracts me and personal happiness than I could stand! Silly man… as if I have such answers!!? It’s called 2014 and seems like the theme thus far is to hang on tight as it’s going a bit fast for me, but definitely a thrilling ride! 😁 no bumps yet!

I am excited to be bringing so many randoms to my New York, to the upper east side! I’m aware of my integrity, my complicities and keen sensitivity to people, and I’m genuinely flattered so many are gathering to experience a Never Never Land-like Liz party. Sadly, there will be no Taco Bell run, McK’s or Doc Watson’s (touch wood!) but having all my beloved here will be truly sensational. It’s going to be one of those occasions that you just know is going to be hilarious, and a huge question mark as to where the night will lead. So many options in my v own NYC. One of the things I love most about this is the decadent honour that so many are traveling so far… they will get to spend a day in my ‘hood. Seriously, what more could one ask for? I just love the month of February: my birthday month!!!

And if all my gets to be a bit much… you just slip out the back, Jack. 😉